5 Ways Mindfulness Can Improve Your Relationships (#2 Changed My Life!)

It may go without saying that mindfulness (and its pursuit of a kind, curious awareness of the present moment) and our relationships go hand-in-hand. I see them both as ever-evolving practices that strengthen and grow together.  

Remember the study I mentioned a few weeks back that showed most of us are present only 50% of the time? While this ability to autopilot through our lives can support us in getting through mundane tasks, it can have many negative outcomes for our relationships. I speak from my own experience when I say that so often our deeply ingrained patterns of behavior can cause, or worsen, conflict in all of our relationships.  

For many of us, our ideas of love and relationships (romantic or platonic) are formed from such a young age, and as meditation teacher Manoj Diaz says,

"Our ideas mix with our delusions and get stirred by our beliefs to concoct a recipe of an ideal relationship with an ideal partner."

These, often subconscious, beliefs are heavily influenced by our past experiences and trauma and make up a perfect storm that often drives our actions in relationships. 

I felt somewhat crippled by my patterns when it came to relationships: hiding, shutting down, lashing out, etc (CUTE!). But practicing mindfulness has allowed me to see and eventually work to change those patterns. It's no joke when I say that mindfulness is a huge reason why I am now happily married. I needed new ways of relating to myself and those I love to build the healthy, loving, and intimate relationships I have in my life today. 

And it's not just me! Research continues to come out to show that when individuals take on a mindful approach to their relationships, they experience improvements in the quality and satisfaction in all parts of their relationships (sex included). So here are 5 of the ways that mindfulness could support all of your relationships. 

Become More Present and Attentive

It's probably no surprise that one of the big changes mindfulness can bring to your relationships is the ability to be more present and attentive inside of them. And this is no small thing. As Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh said,

"If you love someone, the greatest gift you can give them is your presence”  

Most of us know the feeling of trying to talk to a friend or partner who isn't really paying attention. Whether they are on their phone or thinking about a work deadline, this can be a lonely/annoying/enraging experience depending on what it is you are trying to share. On the flip side, there is nothing better than sharing a personal joy or struggle, and feeling the person across from you is deeply listening. Some call this "feeling felt". As I shared before, mindfulness rewires the brain to help us better direct our attention and focus. This helps us come off of autopilot to tune into, and be present with, our friends and partners. This will build intimacy and support happier and healthier relationships. 

Improve Emotional Regulation/Decrease Reactivity

This was a BIG one for me. As someone with a history of trauma, I can (and still do) get swept away in emotions. It's as if the emotion hijacks my brain, pulling me out of the present moment no matter the logic I try to bring in. Whether I am reacting to my own emotions or those of a partner or friend, this pattern causes so many issues inside of all relationships, especially in my ability to navigate and communicate through challenging times. 

Luckily, mindfulness helps to change the brain's emotional regulation areas. Through shrinking the amygdala (the brain hijacker), strengthening the prefrontal cortex (overrides the hijacker helping us to CTFO), and changing the anterior cingulate cortex (helps us regulate ourselves), mindfulness helps us become more aware of our emotional landscape which helps us to moderate and soften our responses.  

Uncover and Shift Unconscious Behaviors

This was another relationship-changing benefit for me. Like I mentioned above, so many of our behaviors and responses in relationships are conditioned and habitual and can cause great distress if not attended to. Luckily, mindfulness helps us observe and become curious when we find ourselves acting out. From that place, we can notice the underlying beliefs and patterns at play and eventually redirect our attention to ways we'd like to behave. This helps us take control of our behavior and get out of our negative cycles (destructive arguing, emotional distancing, etc.). Only when we bring awareness to our patterns and responses can we start to shift! 

Increase Appreciation and Gratitude 

I know for me, when I get into my autopilot mode, I lose connection with the appreciation, gratitude, and curiosity I have for the people around me, especially my husband (sorry!). I have heard a teacher call the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship just a heightened period of mindfulness. We pay so much attention when getting to know someone, curious to know more, and excited to connect. In this space, it's easy to feel gratitude. 

But once life gets busy and patterns are formed, we may have to stop and take the time to notice all the things we like and appreciate about the people in our life. And taking mindful moments in the day to notice the people we are with and how they are showing up for us can help us connect to that gratitude. Mindfulness helps us increase our awareness of the beauty in our lives and all we have to be grateful for. And research shows that practicing gratitude in our intimate relationships increase the connection and satisfaction for both people! 

Lower/Improve Stress Response  

Last but certainly not least, practicing mindfulness is proven to help improve the way we respond to stress. And when we are in a state of stress we are less present to what's in front of us. So having less stress, or just knowing how to better manage it, will inevitably lead to more meaningful and intimate interactions with those we love.  

These are just a few of the ways I've found mindfulness works to improve, enhance, and support all of my relationships. If you'd like support bringing mindfulness into your life and relationships please reach out to learn more about working with me! 

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