Want to be More Connected to Yourself? This Practice Could Help.

Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist Nun whose practice I respect deeply, one time said this about having a personal meditation practice:

"It helps us to know ourselves: our rough parts and our smooth parts, our passion, aggression, ignorance, and wisdom. The reason that people harm other people, the reason that the planet is polluted and people and animals are not doing so well, these days is that individuals don’t know or trust or love themselves enough."

While I'm no expert on the ways of the world, this is something I deeply agree with from my personal experience as well as my observation of the human condition.

The Great Disconnect

By the time I found Mindfulness, I had a very tenuous relationship with myself. As I shared last week, I did my best to stay disconnected from myself, which I saw as a problematic vessel for anxiety. Sad but true. So doing whatever I could to just keep busy and not fall into the anxious thoughts that may be looping in my mind at any given time was my MO. And these choices kept me from ever liking, or even really knowing myself. I was so disconnected. And I now believe that this disconnection led to suffering, led to anxiety, led to acting out towards others in big and small ways. There's not much time to authentically show up for others and the planet if I'm too busy running from myself.

All of this running caught up with me and I longed for relief from the fears, but I also longed for a real relationship with myself. ‘What would it be like to really love myself?’, I wondered.

And though the process of reconnecting (or connecting for the first time!) to the self can be messy and uncomfortable, the relief (and healing) I experienced when I stopped trying to block and hide was immense. It's deeply healing to see all the ways we shut down, run away, deny, or close off because, in my experience, we then see all the ways we are loved, joyful, present, kind, and full of life. I realized that I was never able to shut down the "negative" without also shutting down the "positive". And from that point on, messy or not, I knew I was committed to having the full range of experiences life had to offer.

We Are More Than Our Thoughts

One big way I was able to reconnect to myself through my Mindfulness practice was by learning how to re-relate to my thoughts. Thoughts are just one part of who we are, yet many of us (myself included) come to rely on thoughts as absolute reality. My thoughts were the foundation of my self-image, and so often these thoughts are just a reflection of some limiting belief or societal messaging I picked up along the way. It goes without saying that this was a very uncomfortable way to live, especially for someone with high anxiety. My thoughts, whether about myself or someone else can be WACKO at times, and yet I found myself investing in them, being led into fear by them, even if a tiny part of my rational mind could understand they were not true. Attachment to these thoughts makes us disconnected from the world and most importantly from ourselves.

So how do we re-relate? We start by observing the thoughts as they come up. When we learn to objectively (and kindly) observe our thoughts, feelings, and stories, we are no longer completely fused with them. We begin to see that our experience is not ALL of who we are, just one part passing through.

Clear Blue Sky

I've always liked the metaphor of seeing the mind as a clear blue sky. Stop and picture it now....you have a beautiful clear blue sky in your head. Spacious, calm, and free. And imagine your thoughts, feelings, and experiences appearing like clouds floating in the sky. But sometimes (like with anxious thoughts/feelings) these clouds start to get bigger and darker, taking up the whole sky. All of a sudden the world narrows and we forget that the clear blue sky is behind that darkness, waiting for us to remember.

This understanding which is cultivated through moments of mindfulness brings us more space between the thought and our reaction to the thought. And in that space can be a whole new way to relate to ourselves. So if a thought like "I am anxious" comes up, rather than spiraling into a story about how I am bad/wrong/broken, I could take a mindful moment to pause, take a look at what's really here for me right now with kindness and curiosity, and know this thought isn't personal or necessarily even true. Maybe this leads to another thought "Wow, some anxiety is present right now. This is uncomfortable but it will pass." Or taking a mindful pause after the thought "I am unlovable" could lead to the second thought, "Sadness and fear present right now. This is tough but I am ok".

From this less charged state of awareness, we can find clarity. The clarity to see and embrace the full picture of who we are beyond our stories and thoughts. And the clarity to take authentic actions that reflect who we are and how we want to show up in the world.

Want to Build a Meditation Practice But Don’t Know Where to Start?

Sign up below to receive a FREE copy of my 8 tips to help you finally start (or stick to) your own meditation practice.