How Mindfulness Changed My Life, A Love Note.

So I've spent some time giving you the cold hard facts of Mindfulness and how it can help you, according to #science. But I now wanted to share much more personally how Mindfulness has helped me. How it's changed me.

A healthier body, a changed brain...all that is great. But when you are dealing with crippling anxiety and bouts of depression, all that really matters is relief. At least it was all that mattered to me when I turned to Mindfulness almost 10 years ago. By that time I felt like a broken mess.

Secret Shame

Growing up in the south where feelings weren't talked about much to begin with, having debilitating anxiety as a preteen was something I learned to be embarrassed about. I wasn't explicitly told to be embarrassed, but I felt so alone inside of a world where no one else *seemed* to feel what I felt. The panic would rise in the most unideal situations, like the middle of the night at a sleepover or during class in middle school. I had no tools to deal with these feelings of overwhelm and shame came quickly after the panic. I feel sure puberty didn't help this at all. Poor thing.

While there were many very real contributing factors to the fear and panic going on in my life, at the time I just assumed I should be able to handle it all, and since I couldn’t then I must be broken. Not to mention I was put on medication and though anti-anxiety meds are talked about quite openly now, that was not the case then. I never told anyone my secret.

Now mind you, I did a great job of covering this up. I am quite the performer thank you very much. I learned to hide the panic as much as I could so that few friends or classmates ever had any idea of what was going on under the smile.

I was brave enough to move to New York City knowing absolutely no one for college (still hard to believe, go me!). It was amazing. And overwhelming. And many of my defense mechanisms began to break down or stop working. I started to see how small I was living to try and control/protect/save myself and it didn’t feel good anymore. I wanted a bigger life to match the big city I was in. I wanted out of the cage I had created for myself. And I had no idea where to start.

When I moved to Los Angeles after graduating from college, I found a therapist who showed me where to start. I like to say that I have been in therapy longer than I have been out of therapy (lol), but it wasn't until I met this specific one that I began to change slowly. While there are so many types of work that have led me to where I am (EMDR for trauma was a game-changer, among others), I was gently encouraged by her (and eventually many people) that maybe meditation would also support me. So I finally tried it. The truth is I was scared to sit alone with myself. Hadn't I spent all this time building habits to keep the anxiety at bay? Surely if I just sit still all that anxiety will come rushing to the surface. But, I wanted something different so I had to do something different.

Dipping a Toe in the Waters

I started by doing the introduction to Mindfulness series on the Headspace app, and while it wasn't an immediate habit, I did start to notice some relief and so I started to incorporate it into my morning routine. Sometimes I would only make it a few minutes because my brain would usually convince me I should be doing something "more important". And while I did find feelings would come up sometimes, I was pleasantly surprised to see that I wasn't always opening a pit of anxiety each time I tried to meditate. (I believe EMDR was a big reason for this, for me. Unresolved trauma can have an effect on those trying to meditate and it can do more harm than good if not done with proper support!)

As the relief grew, so did my commitment to the practice. I started going to group classes, then some workshops, and eventually found an amazing teacher to work with one-on-one. She brought my practice to a whole new level and helped me navigate challenges in my life with a new lens of Mindfulness. I had no idea all the ways it could apply to my life!

First, it was relief from the overwhelming anxiety. Then, it was a deepening relationship with myself. I found compassion for all of the challenges I had been through that had contributed to my anxiety and started to let some of the shame and guilt go. I spent so much time avoiding getting to know myself, that when I finally did I was surprised by the tenderness I was able to find towards myself. From this tender place, I started to like, and eventually love, what I found while sitting with myself during meditation. And then I was able to bring that love and awareness into relationships. First, deepening intimacy with friends and family and eventually letting myself fully show up to a romantic relationship (I was the queen of cut and run when it was time to emotionally commit 😬). My mindfulness practice is a huge part of my getting married this year. This year especially (#2020 #Yikes).

New Tools for Living

Navigating the ups and downs of life is always hard. I still get anxious. I am a huge mess sometimes. Life still hurts. But I am also happy. I am open-hearted. I am honest. I have joy and love in my life that I didn't think I was "allowed" or "able" to have. I find moments of pleasure in unexpected ways because my practice has shown me the way. Whether it's exchanging vows with my new husband, really taking in nature on a walk outside, or gossiping with my girlfriends about a stupid reality show, I find myself able to be present to the joy, beauty, and connection available in so many moments.

Conversely, I have a new way of relating to myself during the challenging ones. I'm able to bring more compassion and open-hearted awareness to myself when difficult things come up. And they always come up. I have this new set of Mindfulness tools that help me sit with the fear, anxiety, and sadness in a way I was never able to before. And it's amazing to see the growth, connection, and tenderness that can come from really showing up to the challenges emotions, and moments.

And these are the gifts I feel so called to share. I believe all humans, no matter how "broken" or "unlovable" you may think you are, deserve to, and can, have these moments of joy, peace, rest, pleasure, and love even amidst the hard times. And 2020 has sure been a hard time.

Please reach out if you'd like any support bringing mindfulness into your own life! ❤️

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