What is Your Relationship to Trust?

I feel called to share about the theme/directive/order that has continued to come up for me over the past few months: trust.

Uncomfortable Habits

I keep getting the *loving* reminder from all directions to lean more into trust in all parts of my life. As a recovering perfectionist, this isn’t easy for me. The act of trusting feels like letting go of the control I learned to rely on to feel safe in the world. If I’m not focused on every possible outcome of every possible scenario, how will I be ok?!?! More specifically, if I'm not preparing for every disaster that could happen, how will I survive it? And I think this busy, distracted frame of mind just became a habit. An uncomfortable, yet familiar, habit.

But this habit has grown more and more uncomfortable over the years as I started to see and feel how it didn't work for me. At best, this habit of control causes anxiety and discomfort in my day to day life. At worst, it causes complete burnout and depression. Not ideal. Eventually, I became (and continue to become) willing to step out of the familiar and try a different path.

A New Path

This new path is one of trust. In myself first and foremost. In my ability to show up for life no matter what challenges or joys come my way. To take care of myself, which often includes asking for help from others, setting boundaries, prioritizing rest and play, among others. It's taken time for me to practice these things and eventually trust in my ability to show up to them.

I have also come to trust that there is a path for me. I may not always like it, but it is my path. I can't pretend to understand some of the challenges that I, those I love, or the world have gone through, but I do know those exact challenges (including 2020 with all of its garbage) specifically led me to where I am and who I am today. It feels right to me. So I continue to trust that path forward. On days when it feels sticky or scary, I lean into my past experience of feeling supported in the world (no matter how small that experience was). And I did LOTS of leaning over the course of looking for, and moving into, my new house.

Changing the Brain

I think of the research that shows us we "carve" pathways of experience in the brain. An old habit (like, say trying to control every moment to feel safe) is a DEEP pathway in my brain. It can feel impossible to get out of these pathways. Luckily, the research also shows us it is possible. To carve new paths, build new habits, and learn new ways to live at any age.

I'd like to think my pathway of trust is entering its teen years. More developed but sometimes moody and temperamental...and I continue to use mindfulness to encourage and support this angsty pathway during the challenging times. 😂

What is your relationship to trust?

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